A whale in the hunt…

I’ve been in a funk – a funk in which I’ve gained back every single pound that I’ve lost.  Why the funk?  I’m not sure.  I’m at this time in my life where so much is being dug up & sifted through.  Things I haven’t dealt with all of these years.  I’m in my mid-30s & I find that I’m really, really tired.  Tired from all of the striving, mainly.  Striving to be okay when I’m not okay.  I’ve often heard the expression “a dog in the hunt doesn’t know he has fleas”.  I’ve been trying to stay in the hunt for so many years – trying to focus on things beyond myself – yet I never acknowledged the fact that this dog has a broken leg.  So, now, as a 30-something year old mom, wife, teacher, etc, I’m dealing with things in my life that most people probably face when they’re 20.  I’m slowing down.  I’m not pretending anymore.  I’m trying to heal.

How does my weight fit in with all of this?  I don’t know.  A while back I had a father-figure/pastor/friend try to shock me into losing weight.  He sat me down & talked at me for 45 minutes about the danger of my weight (I really had to swallow the “no shit” comments that threatened to explode from me).  In that talking to, he told me that I am a whale.  He said that I needed to look at myself in the mirror every day & tell myself that I am a whale until it sinks in & I do something about it.  Wow.  Needless to say, that has messed me over ever since.  The funny thing was that – until that time – I had never thought those things about myself.  Now, I truly do whenever I look in the mirror.  It is a hard thing to erase.  Other things I see about losing weight talk about looking at yourself in the mirror and “embracing” who you are – telling yourself that you’re beautiful.  That, however, isn’t true in this case.  360 pounds is not beautiful.  It isn’t beautiful to have my stomach hanging down & not be able to keep up with my daughter.  So, what’s the answer?  Am I a whale?  Noooo…I don’t think so, anyway…Am I prepared to “embrace” myself in this low-health situation?  No.

I think the answer lies somewhere else.  Recently, I sat in a counseling session where we talked about the fact that I am not my body & that God isn’t fixated (or limited by) my weight…”For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7).  Where that leads me isn’t to despair or acceptance of my weight.  It leads me to questions about my heart.  What does the state of my health say about what I believe?  What does it reflect about my hopes, fears, etc?  Does it reveal anything about what my heart is fixed on?  Is God at the center of me?  I’m also thinking about Psalm 139:14 – “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows  very well.”

God made me.  His works are marvelous & wonderful.  This is not something that my soul knows but I think it is something my soul can learn.  He wants the fullest life for me that I can have &, in that, He cares about my weight.  Beyond that, though, my heart is what concerns God.

I see skinny people

It’s hard to be fat.  The health risks are obvious.  The fashion/beauty fails are obvious.  Even the problems with extended movement are obvious.  There are so many heartaches that are not obvious, though.  Like Haley Joel Osment saw “dead people”, I see skinny people – everywhere I look.  My friends are thin.  My husband is thin.  Almost everyone in every shop, restaurant, and play-date at the park is thin.  To most people this isn’t unusual.  For me, it begs a continual question…Am I really the only one who can’t seem to beat this?  My husband told me that I am being courageous.  His thinking is that most women who deal with morbid obesity probably just stay home.  That is sad but it is also so incredibly understandable.  And tempting.

When I am the only obese person around (which is the usual case), I feel a weird mix of invisibility and nakedness.  Because I’m so different (and large) I am an immediate object of attention (usually given in muttered comments and sideways looks).  Yet, I’m standing in a world that doesn’t fit me at all.  It is like I’m granted admission on sufferance – able to visit but not ever a true part of things.  I went wedding dress shopping with my size 4 sweet friend today (and a few of our other friends).  It did not escape my attention that nothing (literally…nothing) in that shop would ever fit me.  When we talked about bridesmaid dresses I cringed.  The lady at the shop said to me:  “it’ll look great on you when we order it in your size”.  I smiled politely and didn’t bother to tell her that they don’t make that dress in my size.  This store (like all of the others) is not made for me.  I don’t fit here.  In a sense it is like I don’t exist…or shouldn’t.

Yet I do exist.  And I should – because the God of the universe created me and called it good.  For me the answer is not to join the ranks of the fat acceptance movement – demanding that the world be altered for the select few of us who weigh too much.  I don’t want to accept my fat.  I want to be healthy.  300+ pounds is not healthy.  Also, I don’t want to be about fat anymore!  My answer is also not to hide in my house and eat even more cookies.  For now, my answer is to live.  To show up.  To brave the stares; to be honest about bridesmaid dresses; to swing my daughter at the park (even if we can’t swing together); to swim with my family (as the only fat person around); to ride the ferris wheel with my daughter (despite the looks of others); to make memories with my family and to be a sweet part of them; to not make my life about weight and to run to God, asking Him to show me the beauty that He created in me.  Did He intend for me to be over 300 pounds?  Clearly not.  It isn’t too big for Him to help with, though, or else what kind of God would He be?

Mini-goal reached

It has been too long since I posted.  We were out of town for a couple of weeks & things have generally been quite harried.  I have not been eating low-carb for several weeks now – though I have been trying to be more mindful about the amount I have been eating.  The good news is that I haven’t gained any weight & I have reached my mini-goal of being under 350.  The bad news is that I’ve only lost 1.6 pounds in the last month!  Maybe that isn’t the way to look at it, though…At least its gone.  Soon I will brave the rapids of the transition to low-carb again.

Buttercream and Jesus

Truly, I am an emotional eater.  This may come as no surprise to most of you.  How does a woman get to 350+ pounds without eating emotionally?!  The truth has really hit home to me in the last couple of weeks, however…Nothing like trying to take carbs out of your diet to make some things very obvious.  After a row with my hubby I found myself buying a 4 inch chocolate cake from a bakery in town & taking bites with my fork right out of the box.  That first bite was such a relief.  Almost orgasmic, you might say.  Maybe better than orgasmic, in fact, because it didn’t require much of me (in the immediate sense, anyway).  “Orgasmic,” you say…”who gets such pleasure from food?!”  Apparently, I do.  Along with most sugar/carb addicts (i.e. – the majority of America).

Do I like discovering this about myself?  Do I like discovering that I’m about as addicted to sugar as many people are to drugs?  No, no I don’t.  Do I like discovering that I have such little self-control when I’m feeling hurt and/or angry?  Not at all.  In my life, I really seek to live with God.  I believe in Jesus (no…really.  I do.  He’s not just alright with me as the Doobie Brothers chime).  Today, as I headed to the bakery, I realized anew how very broken I am.  How very broken our whole beautiful, messy planet is.  My faith was tested.  Still is.  Do I believe that Jesus will intervene with me?  Do I believe that he can (and will) heal me & give me joy outside of buttercream chocolate roses – that he can (and will) intervene in this whole beautiful mess we call Earth?

I’ve been reading about overcoming emotional eating.  It is all cerebral information.  It doesn’t help.  I’m praying for help from the inside out.  Meanwhile, I’ll roll back onto the low-carb track & keep trying to be mindful.  For those of you who feel like you have been helped from the inside out, do share your secrets!

Also, for others of you who may have wondered…my hubby and I did make up.  AND – I lost almost 2 pounds this past week  I’m at 350.6…SO CLOSE to my mini-goal of being under 350. 

Shocking mini-goal and sugar sensitivity

I feel frustrated today.  I gained 1.4 pounds this week.  Of course, as I mentioned, I did have a birthday week splurge.  Also, (tmi) pms is happening.  I know that tomorrow morning it will look different.  Still, I CANNOT emphasize to you HOW MUCH I want to stop seeing 35_ on the scale.  I guess I wanted that birthday cake more…OR, to not beat myself up too much, I’m learning that my body is REALLY sensitive to sugar.  My splurges last week didn’t seem so extreme in light of an entire week but they were enough to completely stop weight loss.  That said, I also felt really lousy & was actually happy to go back to a low-carb diet.  I’ve been doing pretty well since then so I’m looking forward to the next weigh-in.  Maybe I’ll finally be under 350.  Wow.  I can’t believe I’ve let myself get to the point where getting under 350 is a mini-goal but…there you have it.  I’m going to try & not weigh-in until next Monday.  Maybe I’ll have a wonderful suprise waiting!

On another note, I ordered a book that I’m really looking forward to reading.  It is called “Wheat Belly” by William Davis.  Have any of you read it?  If so, what did you think of it?

See that spot in the distance? That’s the wagon.

If you look closely, you’ll notice that I’m not on it.  I fell off.

I had a birthday this week.  On my birthday, I threw my low-carb diet to the wind & visited Starbucks.  Twice.  2 days later, my family came over & we had cake.  Full on flour, sugar, chocolate buttercream, butter-yellow cake.  It was divine – at the time.  If I had stopped there it would have been fine.  I didn’t, though.  Today I reasoned with myself that I had already blown it this week.  That became my excuse for a frozen caramel mocha & donuts.  Plural.

I’m mentally shaking myself now.  Every moment is a chance to live healthier, feel better, & choose life.  Blowing it today does not need to be my excuse for gorging on sugar and wheat tomorrow.  Besides, I don’t feel good.

In a way, that is kind of a cool revelation.  I actually don’t feel good.  I had to take a nap today (partly because I couldn’t sleep last night after eating cake & when I did, I had bad dreams…I don’t usually have bad dreams).  My body aches.  I feel groggy, moody, & bloated.  How about that?!  It is official.  Sugar and/or wheat affect me.  Negatively.  I’m actually excited to go back to my low-carb (i.e. – feel good) diet tomorrow.

How about you?  Have you had “aha” moments regarding sugar and/or wheat?  If so, do tell!

A new language

I’m feeling encouraged today.  The kind of encouraged that says…”hey, you can do this”!  Let me just share.  I had a bacon cheeseburger today.  BACON!  CHEESE!  I took the bun off, of course, but it was filling & yummy.  I’ve never had a burger on a diet before.  Let alone a burger with bacon & cheese.

On another note, I’m finding that this way of eating takes a good deal of planning and prep (especially because I want to make sure I’m including veggies).  I think as long as I have stuff on hand, I can keep it up.  I’ve been a BIG carb eater (ah…punny…) my whole life.  I never thought about the fact that everything I snacked on was a carbohydrate.  Now, I’m having to re-learn what to eat.  I’m not just grabbing handfuls of triscuits, cookies, or making toast with nutella & banana…So, I’ve been perusing lots of blogs looking at recipes.  I’m learning that there is a whole, huge world of low-carb cooking.  Who knew?!  Almond flour, coconut flour, xantham gum, xylitol, kale chips, cauliflower rice…it is like learning a different cooking language.  I’m willing, though.  I feel so much better just in the last few days that I’ll gladly put in the time.

That said, I do wonder what my lab numbers will look like in a month & a half or so.  I’m resolved not to spend much time thinking on that right now, though.  For now, I’m losing weight, I’m not hungry all day, and I’m waking up pain-free & ready to go….while I eat bacon, cheese, and meat…

Here are some blogs that I’m finding pretty useful for recipes:

http://yourlighterside.com/

http://www.elanaspantry.com/gluten-free-recipes/

http://www.joyfulabode.com/.

Let me know if you have others you think I should look at!

End of week 1 on a low carb plan

Hi!

I hope that your Monday is turning out to be lovelier than you expected it to be. 

Today was my weigh-in day after my first week of low-carb eating.  I lost 4.8 pounds!  EVEN BETTER, though, is that I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!!!  For well over a year I have woken up in the mornings feeling like I was beat up in the night.  I’ve been sore, achy, swollen, & very tired.  The last few days, however, this has been different.  I just…wake up & get up.  No pain.  No fog.  No grunting.  I’ve been shocked at the lack of pain my body has felt.  This is…Weird.  Unexpected.  Wonderful.  It is enough to make me never want to eat a cupcake again…for now…I’m sure the temptation will come!

As far as how the week went, it was easier than I expected it to be.  I attribute this to a few reasons.

1. I’m staying under 70 grams of carbs & not less.  This allows me some fruit, etc.
2. I’ve researched several low-carb recipes & have cooked them in advance.  I have something already prepared to snack on when I need it.
3. Strawberries and cream.  REAL cream.  WHIPPED cream.  YUM!!!  I’ve never had that on a diet before. 
4. Feeling better encourages me to keep going.
5. My sweet amazing husband is so encouraging & he’s feeling better, too.

I’m so interested now in the interplay between insulin, carbohydrates, cholesterol, etc that I’m having a hard time doing my work.  I just want to keep researching information & finding new recipes!  Here are two great sources I’ve looked at recently:

“Why we get fat & what to  do about it” by Gary Taubes

“Fathead” – a documentary.

Comment & let me know if you’ve read other books or seen other documentaries that you think I should check out!

After a long hiatus…trying low-carb

Hello!

I’ve been gone for a while.  Obviously.  3 months to the day, to be exact!  I ran into speed bumps – circumstantial, personal, all of the above – and I quit trying.  In fact, I gained back what I lost, as well.  I’m back, though.  I’m determined that this last three months will go down in the books as a speed bump.  Not a permanent stopping point.

So, as I dive back into taking care of myself, I am changing tactics.  I read a wonderful book by Gary Taubes called Why We Get Fat & What To Do About It.  I’ve read the low-carb stuff before (even tried Atkins about 8 years ago…that lasted for all of 1 week).  This book was different for me, though.  His explanation of the science behind weight loss, the work of insulin, fat storage, etc…was very helpful for me.  It was clear & it made sense.  Essentially, Taubes argues that there is no coincidence that obesity, diabetes, & heart disease have skyrocketed in the U.S. along with suggestions for low-fat, high exercise diets.  In a nutshell – fat doesn’t make us fat.  Sugar does.  I especially liked his point about the endless roller coaster that we get on when we try to maintain the calories in/calories out ratio.  Any obese person who has walked her heavy butt for 45 minutes knows the discouragement that comes when you realize that you’ve only burned 2 slices of whole wheat bread.

My new tactic?  Lower carbs & eliminate sugar (for now).  I’m still entering my food into sparkpeople only now I’m watching the carbs rather than the calories.  To start with, I’m trying to keep my carb count at 60 or less.  I’ll modify as I lose or don’t lose weight.  I also got some labwork done this past week.  When I get the results, I’ll post them.  I’d like to get the numbers done every month or so at first so I can see how my cholesterol & triglycerides are faring.  For those of you who have followed my fudge round binges, you’ll understand that this low-sugar plan might be a little tough…

I’ll keep you posted.

Underwear, Fudge Rounds, and Mothers

As you’ve probably noticed, I’ve been absent for a few weeks.  I ran into my self in the past 3 weeks which led me to typical (unhealthy) ways of dealing with life.  Ironically, my failure started with a success.

First, I discovered that I had lost 3 inches from my hips when my underwear kept falling down during a church service (yikes!).  They finally ended up BELOW MY BUTT!  I wondered what was wrong with my clothing…I discovered that, instead, everything was right & my work was paying off.  So, I am writing this blog post with new underwear that are one size smaller.  I’m sure you wanted to know that.

THEN…(insert Darth Vader theme here)…I told my mother & father my funny success story.  Ahhh…enter jealous, crazy mom issues.  Mom’s response?  Nothing.  Nada.  Dad’s response?  “Well, your mother lost 50 p0unds!”.  Without telling you more about my life story than you ever wanted to know, you probably won’t understand why this seemingly innocuous response sent me reeling for two weeks.  Hell, I’m just beginning to get it myself!  Long story short, I consumed 2 BOXES of Fudge Rounds within the next 4 days.  BOXES, people.  I stopped exercising.  I stopped using Sparkpeople.  I stopped blogging.  Oh, and I also ate a bag of chips in 2 days.

After about 2 weeks of this craziness & feeling overwhelmed & miserable, my sweet husband pointed out the starting point of all of this behavior.  That one, single incident at my parent’s house.  I realized that, essentially, I was being put back into my place in the family system of weirdness (the one where we all become invisible to cater to a jealous, angry, & emotionally ill mom).  I met that dismissal of myself by 2 weeks of punishing myself for succeeding.  For existing.  For being something other than a context for another person’s existence.  I’m done with that now.

I must say, it is kind of odd to be 35 years old & just figuring some of this out.  Of course, I suppose I would have figured it all out sooner if I wasn’t so busy numbing out with food.  It sounds so…social workey…but it is true.  I’m trying to stand still, expose myself to truth, let grief and pain hit me (rather than drowning it out with Fudge Rounds), & let God heal me.  I’m trying to remember that it is okay exist.  Even more, it is okay to exist and to thrive!

In the end:

I lost a total of 5.4 p0unds in the last six weeks & 3 inches off of my hips.