I’ve been in a funk – a funk in which I’ve gained back every single pound that I’ve lost. Why the funk? I’m not sure. I’m at this time in my life where so much is being dug up & sifted through. Things I haven’t dealt with all of these years. I’m in my mid-30s & I find that I’m really, really tired. Tired from all of the striving, mainly. Striving to be okay when I’m not okay. I’ve often heard the expression “a dog in the hunt doesn’t know he has fleas”. I’ve been trying to stay in the hunt for so many years – trying to focus on things beyond myself – yet I never acknowledged the fact that this dog has a broken leg. So, now, as a 30-something year old mom, wife, teacher, etc, I’m dealing with things in my life that most people probably face when they’re 20. I’m slowing down. I’m not pretending anymore. I’m trying to heal.
How does my weight fit in with all of this? I don’t know. A while back I had a father-figure/pastor/friend try to shock me into losing weight. He sat me down & talked at me for 45 minutes about the danger of my weight (I really had to swallow the “no shit” comments that threatened to explode from me). In that talking to, he told me that I am a whale. He said that I needed to look at myself in the mirror every day & tell myself that I am a whale until it sinks in & I do something about it. Wow. Needless to say, that has messed me over ever since. The funny thing was that – until that time – I had never thought those things about myself. Now, I truly do whenever I look in the mirror. It is a hard thing to erase. Other things I see about losing weight talk about looking at yourself in the mirror and “embracing” who you are – telling yourself that you’re beautiful. That, however, isn’t true in this case. 360 pounds is not beautiful. It isn’t beautiful to have my stomach hanging down & not be able to keep up with my daughter. So, what’s the answer? Am I a whale? Noooo…I don’t think so, anyway…Am I prepared to “embrace” myself in this low-health situation? No.
I think the answer lies somewhere else. Recently, I sat in a counseling session where we talked about the fact that I am not my body & that God isn’t fixated (or limited by) my weight…”For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7). Where that leads me isn’t to despair or acceptance of my weight. It leads me to questions about my heart. What does the state of my health say about what I believe? What does it reflect about my hopes, fears, etc? Does it reveal anything about what my heart is fixed on? Is God at the center of me? I’m also thinking about Psalm 139:14 – “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.”
God made me. His works are marvelous & wonderful. This is not something that my soul knows but I think it is something my soul can learn. He wants the fullest life for me that I can have &, in that, He cares about my weight. Beyond that, though, my heart is what concerns God.